Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.