Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
These work great until they don’t.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Watermelon Boss!
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
nyc:
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.