Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
what does he know…
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace