10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
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I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”