I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
hackers play passwordle
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’