Bike is short for Bichael.
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My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit