<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
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“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows