Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
HR said no more nunchucks.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.