Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
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Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
wow he looks just like him
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I didn’t realize that was an option
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup