ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore