I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
This is my bus stop.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”