I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
2022 will be better than 2021
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
That lamp looks PISSED.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants