Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
In Canada they just call them geese
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.