Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
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Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day