You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.