Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
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My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Can’t stop laughing
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen