If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
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WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.