I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way