My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’m literally crying
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The future is now.
Seems a bit forward
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
New comic up. “Ransom”
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.