I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late