thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
A short story of betrayal:
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*