7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
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Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
A classic…
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no