“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I know a bad idea when I see one.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard