Bros before Ohioes
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People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Two types of dogs.
Fries, not lies.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.