I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
the Monday after daylight savings
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
My birthstone is kidney
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting