Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
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If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound