I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
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Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Wait for it
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
#CoronaOutbreak
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?