2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
this has done me in for some reason
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Note to self: I am a note
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Yes
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet