My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
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Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.