NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.