Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
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i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Google Pay be like:
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Most fashion shows these days…
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.