“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
The struggle is real.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?