vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it