[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.