It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
A flock of dads is called a grill.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer