Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
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{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…