I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Quadruple digit IQ