Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
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Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
A ghost story
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me