An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
You Might Also Like
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.