Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.