Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
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Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one