I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile