*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
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I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Cake safety first. Always.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.