“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha