Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
no one ever comes back
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.