I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.