Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
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the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
checking out some reviews of my local library
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol