Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED