ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
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Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
men, we mow at sunrise.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Some of y’all tomorrow …