Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
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God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no